wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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