she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
