Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
