So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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