Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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