I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
