we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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