I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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