I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
