I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
