I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
