I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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