Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
