I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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