I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
