bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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