We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
