guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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