Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
