peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
