Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
