Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
