i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
