Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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