who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
