I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
