Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
