saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
