dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
