Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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