wakey wakey hands off snakey
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
