Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
