if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
