oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
