One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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