im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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