I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
