Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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