If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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