If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
