I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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