Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
