I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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