i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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