I wish I only lived at night.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
