thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
