So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
