I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
