I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize