after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
