he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What a dumb baby whore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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