hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
