I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
