i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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