I smell stomach acid.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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