Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
