You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
