yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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