Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
