I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
