Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
