I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
